These four words are simple but powerful. They can be used in almost every situation and setting. I use them often as a pastor. I find them helpful in the midst of conflict resolution, staff interactions, marriage counseling, decision making, teaching, and leading the church. I use them as a husband and father. Countless situations in life and marriage and parenting call for them.
What are these four simple words? Help me to understand (abbreviated below as HMTU).
That’s it? Yep. Like most adages, though, it’s the power latent within this phrase that can change our leadership.
So, why are these words so beneficial and how can you expect them to help you?
- Breed Clarity
- Delay a Devision
- Foster the Relationship
- Highlight Reasons for Differing Opinions
- Hone in on Disagreements
- Increase Future Partnership
Breed Clarity
We don’t listen well. What was that? Exactly! Most conversations resemble two monologues rather than a dialogue (a classic example from Jerry Maugire – click here – hit stop at 1:10 to avoid cussing). I can be guilty of this in my marriage or leadership in the church. This phrase––help me to understand––encourages me to actively listen and gives my wife or a coworker the chance to clarify their words. “Help me to understand how you are seeing this.” “Help me to understand what you are valuing that is leading to a decision different than I would make.” Give them space to clarify their thinking for you.
Delay a Decision
Have you been there? You’re in conversation. The other person shares one sentence composed of 8 words that is going to change your business, organization, or student group forever…and they need a decision NOW. HMTU slows them down and gives me a chance to hear more so I can make an informed decision.
Foster the Relationship
When you say, “Help me to understand”, it shows the other person that you care. You’re not blowing them off (though you might initially think their idea is ludicrous). You’re not ending the conversation. Rather, you’re inviting them to tell you more. It shows care and care can be hard to come by. So it’s important they know this because of the next two situations.
Highlight Reasons for Differing Opinions
I use these words (HMTU) often when someone shares an opinion I don’t hold. Rather, than dismiss them because I disagree (which can be tempting to save time), I want to hear why they believe what they believe. How did they come to that opinion? Is it well thought through? Has it been tested? Do they even know why they believe it? I once asked a lady to share her spiritual journey with me. As she shared, it became clear to me (and, maybe, even her) that she didn’t have great answers to the question of why she believed what she believed.
Hone in on Disagreements
HMTU can help you avoid conflicts by breeding clarity (#1) and fostering relationships (#2). But, there will be times when someone holds a different opinion (#3) and neither of you are going to change. HMTU permits me to hone in on what exactly we disagree with. Taken away are excuses that they weren’t heard out, or that they weren’t understood, or that they weren’t cared for. And what can come to the forefront is what we truly disagree about.
It’s the classic iceberg analogy. 10% of life is visible. This gets most of the attention because it’s easy to see. 90% is unseen. This is where so much of the disagreement can stem. It’s usually the 90% that makes clear why the 10% is as it is. So, take time to get beneath the water line.
Increase Future Partnership
My aim with HMTU is to create an environment conducive to relational development in the long term. I want the other person, whether my spouse, children, co-workers, or people at church, to share more so I can see their thinking. I want people like you to develop a mind for leadership as I take you through my thinking and why I might disagree. Though you and I may end up disagreeing on a particular issue, I want you to know that my door is always open. I want to be your advocate. I want to see you thrive in leadership.
“Help me to understand” are four simple, but powerful, words!
