At Hope, we value all people, regardless of their life or faith condition. As small group leaders, you have a unique role in that you will be on the “frontlines” with people who are experiencing varying life and faith situations. Specifically, you will find that members of your group may be experiencing times of hurt, grief/loss or illness. During these times, group members may need additional help or care. This document gives some helpful information to help you, as small group leaders, properly shepherd and care for people in your group no matter what they’re experiencing.
Examining the Hope vision statement as well as the Small Group ministry vision statement can serve as a reminder of why it is important to be involved in the lives of others, even when life seems difficult.
Hope’s Vision Statement
To Honor God by helping as many people as possible become fully devoted followers of Christ.
Small Group Vision Statement
We believe in life-on-life ministry, meaning that people are truly and significantly changed only as others come alongside them in authentic community. Therefore, Hope values small groups as an opportunity to interact with others on an intimate, life-changing level. We are pursuing God in the company of friends! Small groups are a safe environment for people wherever they are in their spiritual journey, but also a place for them to grow in their relationship with Christ and serve as they are enabled in his body (1 Corinthians 12).
In short, Hope’s vision for small groups is: To foster biblical community that makes Disciples of Christ and builds up His body.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
—Hebrews 10:23-25 (NIV 1984)
Our experience in ministry roles at Hope has shown us time and time again, that people involved in small groups are far less likely to fall into damaging, long lasting patterns of sin than a regular Sunday morning attendee not involved in a small group. When crisis does occur in people’s lives, those people who are committed to a small group receive care and support from their group. By being regularly involved in each other’s lives, group members are aware of times when other group members are in need of help. Being in a small group is not a luxury for people who desire to be ‘extra’ involved. Involvement is now a necessity to find Biblical support & community at Hope.
As small group leaders, it is important to remember a few things as you begin to care for a hurt, grieving, or ill member of your group.
- Pray! We pray because we believe God wants to hear from us, He listens, and He responds. He can do a mighty work in the lives of those that are struggling.
- Leaders should understand the ministry of presence. Sometimes words are difficult to come by when you are caring for others. Choose your words carefully; oftentimes, people are tempted to ramble when they are consoling others. In truth, it can be better to say very little, especially when you are uncertain what to say. Often the ministry of ‘presence’ can be the most comforting thing you can offer your small group member.
- Continually reaching out in small, yet noticeable ways will be a great comfort to your group member (specific ways are listed below).
- Your coach, our Small Group Ministry staff and our Restoring Hope staff are always available to discuss how to best care for your group members, or to simply bounce thoughts and concerns off of.
- There are differences in grieving style: Be sure to consider, healthy grieving looks different in different people. Don’t expect, or demand, that your group member handle grief or illness or loss the same way you would. Be mindful of their overall health and condition as you assess their ability to handle their current situation.
- You most likely can’t fix this person or the situation: As small group leaders, you will have a deep compassion for hurting members of your group. Sometimes, our temptation is to believe that if we work hard enough, we will eliminate the pain or grief from our group member’s life. While your comfort can help your group members, it is important to remember that you cannot ‘fix’ this problem.
- This is a group effort! As a leader, you should not be the only person in your group offering help. Lead your group toward offering support during this time. Share the workload with the group. This will allow your group members to grow in their ability to comfort others and provide support, as well as keep this from over taking your life as a leader. Help your group to be the church to one another.
As small group leaders, you will be able to offer your group member some tangible and immediate help. There may be some situations, however, that require more help than your group is able to manage. Below are some resources that you should not hesitate to use:
Help Beyond your small group:
Restoring Hope – Lay-Counseling Ministry
For appointments: restoringhope@hopecc.com
Prayer: Post-service and virtually, prayer@hopecc.com
For memorial service planning contact Events Team: events@hopecc.com
Pastoral Care: pastors@hopecc.com
Small Group Staff: smallgroups@hopecc.com
Specific Struggles
Mental Health/Addiction
Grief & Loss
Injury or Illness
Mental Health/Addiction
Communicating struggle is important for all people, and we hope to help these individuals by directing them toward action and accountability, rather than enabling them to simply seek out one audience after another. Below are several questions to use when engaging with some walking through mental health or addiction. Using these questions will help us all as leaders to come together with a common voice and will benefit others by helping them to move toward accountability.
Ask the following questions:
- Have you talked to anyone else about this issue?
- If so, Who?
- What did that person say?
- Have you been faithful with the counsel that person gave you?
If they have been discussing this with someone else, encourage them to revisit this issue with that person and follow through with the wise counsel given.
If they have not discussed this situation with someone else, use your judgment as to how much you are able to intervene. Remember, our staff team is ready and willing to step in and be a part of these situations. As you deal with hurting people, whether they have told many people or only you, please seek out the help from the small group team (smallgroups@hopecc.com), your small group coach, one of the pastors (pastors@hopecc.com), or Restoring Hope (restoringhope@hopecc.com) (Hope’s counseling ministry). We desire for you to feel supported and equipped at all times.
Grief & Loss
Caring for a grieving friend
When people experience the loss of a loved one, grieving is normal and necessary. Everyone responds differently. The typical stages of grief are: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. But this rarely happens in a neat and tidy box. Grief can be messy and hard, and is often something for which people are not prepared. As a small group leader, helping your small group member might seem difficult or frustrating because in reality, nothing will truly bring them comfort apart from Jesus. While Jesus does the work of restoring wholeness, there are a few tangible ways you can help. Below is a compiled, though not exhaustive list, of tangible ways you can help. These are based on our own experiences in ministry, as well as a summary from many books/articles/blog posts about the topic.
- Pray for/with your small group member.
- Identify their immediate needs such as: memorial planning, meals, cleaning, rides, etc. After a short time, offer a specific and detailed plan to help them and let them respond by changing the plan to meet their needs.
- Allow for a new normal: At some point your small group member may be exhausted, scattered, unaware of time, and in general, acting differently than they did prior to their loss. You will need to be flexible and understanding as your group member develops a “new normal.”
- Be empathetic: You don’t necessarily need to have experienced loss to understand what someone may be feeling. Avoid, “How are you doing?” questions. Rather, be specific with your questions and be ready to listen for difficult answers. You don’t need to avoid their loss, because it may seem like you are just pretending it didn’t happen. Rather, enter their grieving with them and allow your friend to talk about their loss. It is ok to acknowledge your group member’s loss without forcing them to discuss it.
- Remind them that you haven’t forgotten about them during this time. Communicate to them that you are thinking of them and their loss. It is fairly common for people who have experienced loss to think that everyone else has forgotten. So, sending emails, messages, or cards of encouragement may be a huge blessing.
Bringing Meals
Bringing meals to your group member can be a huge help during this difficult time. Cooking might not be high on their priority list as other things begin to fill their time and thought life. Remember, sharing the workload of bringing meals (and providing other help in general) will be most manageable as it is shared across your entire group and beyond.
Cleaning Help
Offer to clean the house. Many people will not realize they need help in this area or will feel uncomfortable asking for help. Help your group member make a list of things to clean and the location of cleaning supplies. Have your friend leave while you clean.
Child Care
Helping coordinate childcare can be a huge blessing. Make sure you are organizing childcare providers with whom the parents feel comfortable.
Suggested blogs for understanding grief
Mourning for Micah – mourningformicah.blogspot.com
Striving after the wind – strivingafterthewind.com
Through the Valley – hintzclan.blogspot.com
Injury or Illness
Please read the section above on caring for a grieving small group members as nearly all of those sections apply to helping a small group member through and injury or illness. Pay close attention to the sections on bringing meals, cleaning and providing child care.
Caring for someone with a physical injury or illness
Please remember, when dealing with an injury, timelines will vary with individual circumstances. Some people may know a timeline of recovery while others may be taking it one day at a time. Being in a cast, crutches, wheel chair or anything that makes them dependent to be mobile is extremely exhausting. Again, only Jesus can provide healing and wholeness, but you can support a small group member who has been injured or suffering from an illness in many practical ways.
Other General Tips when dealing with Grief or Loss
Knowing What to Do
- Express sympathy and condolences.
- Give your friend space, but offer to visit or talk whenever he or she would like.
- Make flexible plans that can be easily changed, in case something comes up or your friend needs to cancel.
- Make plans for the future—this gives your friend something to look forward to. Offer to be a part of those plans
- Be humorous and fun when appropriate and when needed.
- Allow for sadness—do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings.
- Make time for a weekly check-in phone call. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
- When you make a commitment to help, follow through. For example, if you offer to bring a meal over on Sunday, try your best not to forget (post reminders for yourself in an appropriate spot).
- Try not to let your friend’s condition get in the way of your friendship. Treat him or her the same way you always have.
- Ask about interests, hobbies, and other topics not related to [their situation]—people going through the [grieving process] sometimes need a break from talking about it.
- If you aren’t sure how to help, ask.
Knowing What to NOT to Say – Avoid saying the following
- I know just how you feel.
- You need to talk.
- I know just what you should do.
- I feel helpless.
- I don’t know how you manage.
- I’m sure you’ll be fine.
- Don’t worry.
- How much time do the doctors give you?
- Let me know what I can do (instead, offer specific ways in which you can help and things you can provide, should they need to call on you).
This document was written and compiled by Jordan Anderson, Kaelyn Larson and Naty Severson, Small Group Staff at Hope Community Church in Minneapolis, MN. Before reproducing or distributing this document please contact smallgroups@hopecc.com for permission and current revisions.
