Remember when you used to play in sandboxes as a kid? There were some unwritten rules that everyone was expected to abide by: No Throwing Sand, No Eating the Sand, No Hitting, Play Kindly with Others, etc. The same goes for Small Groups. We thought it would be helpful to share some of the Rules of the Sandbox for Hope small groups.
Small Groups exist to go beyond Sunday services. We believe in life-on-life ministry, meaning that people are truly and significantly changed only as others come alongside them in authentic community. Therefore, Hope values small groups as an opportunity to interact with others on an intimate, life-changing level. We are pursuing God in the company of friends! Small groups are a safe environment for people wherever they are in their spiritual journey, as well as a place for them to grow in their relationship with Christ and serve as they are enabled in his body. With that, there are a number of “Rules of the Sandbox” that should be employed to make sure the group remains healthy and safe.
Acceptance of Main (Tenants) Pillars of the Christian Faith
During your time together in small group, there should be no argument as to whether these pillars are true. (Though there may be discussion about why and how they are true for new and less mature believers.) Each set of leaders will have to discern how best to state the truths your group will cling to and believe throughout your time as a group. How we go about clinging to these truths, though, is definitely discussion worthy. Remember, matter and manner matter in this regard (more on this down below)
While not an exhaustive list, these truths could include: We believe that the Bible is the Word of God and has authority over our lives. We believe that God loves us so much that he sent his Son, Jesus, to die for us. Even though he lived a perfect life, he sacrificed himself for our sake. He then rose from the dead, and we – like him – will eventually be raised to new life as well. God exists eternally as three persons-in-one, called the Trinity, etc…For a more thorough list, see Hope’s Statement of Faith.
It is Level Ground Before the Cross
Each person in the group is in different places in their walk with God. Whether you’re a leader or a participant, no single person’s walk is more important than someone else’s. Small group is formatted in a way that all people present can participate and grow in their walk with God. Additionally, just because someone is a verbal processor does not give them license to dominate conversation. Foster an environment in which all people in the group get a chance to share thoughts, questions, feelings, etc.
Manner and Matter, Matter.
Manner is the way something is communicated and said through tone and posture. Matter is what is being said. It is possible to be direct and clear while being gentle and loving in our delivery. If you notice people in your group are using words that elicit negative reactions, talk with them individually and share your observations. The goal is to create a space where people feel comfortable and safe.
Keep the Main Point, the Main Point
During discussion, it can be tempting for groups to get stuck on a particular divisive issue. While acknowledging differences exist, help your group to focus on the main point of the passage/discussion. And remember this guiding principle: it’s okay to go down a bunny trail, as long as you catch the bunny relatively quickly and return to the main trail.
For example, we’re not trying to create Bible scholars, we’re trying to foster an environment in which scripture is read, studied, and then applied. Oftentimes, it can be tempting to get lost in the weeds over some small theological distinction. That is not our aim for Small Group discussion.
Consistency is the expectation
Consistent attendance from everyone in the group is a crucial component to the health of the group. See Consistency in small groups for more info.
Assume Positive Intent
As leaders, promote and encourage your group to give one another the benefit of the doubt. Having this posture can pay off significant dividends when conflict, big or small, arises. Remember, rarely does anyone willingly choose to cause harm. If your group is having a difficult discussion or is in a time where relationships within are rocky, please remind your group to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
When Conflict Arises
Let’s say someone does throw sand, what do you now? If possible, maintain the posture of giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Make it your aim to pursue reconciliation and resolution, even in the small things. If someone in your small group is experiencing frustration or anger towards someone or others in the group, we’d ask that the two individuals talk privately (with a leader present if necessary) to ensure all parties feel heard and respected. If something were to occur in a large group setting, we’d ask the leaders to intervene and help those involved settle the matter.
Consider these three dynamics working in tandem: humility, boldness, and trust. Humility (for all parties) to recognize what and how they contributed to the conflict, boldness to speak biblical truth when appropriate, and trust that God is with you in your attempt to resolve this conflict.
It’s very possible the conflict or issue might be with you as a leader! Don’t be surprised by this. In fact you may be more susceptible to conflict, simply because you’re more visible. Continue to foster an environment in which your group members feel comfortable approaching you, and continue to employ the strategies noted above and below. Know that you can always reach out to the Small Group Staff Team (smallgroups@hopecc.com) for help.
No Triangulation
Triangulation in relationships is a tactic where people employ a third party (not the person with whom they have a conflict) to relay problems or gossip. Whether it is intentional or not, this tactic is manipulative and destructive to the health and trust of your group.
Whenever possible and healthy, we encourage group members to go directly to the person with whom they have a conflict. NOTE: Going to a leader to ask for advice and wise counsel is NOT triangulation. However, you should coach this person to speak with the person with whom they have concerns. In this case, the leader(s) may act as a helpful guide and mediator to these conversations.
- If there is a disagreement between two individuals, encourage them to approach one another, directly and with love – not with other people so as to gain a following for “their side.”. This can quickly lead to gossip, division, and overall unhealth for the group. That said, you as a leader, may need to step into the situation if the situation cannot be resolved between the two.
- The Two Rules of Confidentiality still apply, especially during conflict. (See Two Rules of Confidentiality for more info)
- In cases where group members feel very uncomfortable or in danger please contact your coach immediately.
